


Deadpool

by Ashton210



Series: RWBY STYLE [6]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, RWBY
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:55:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24266242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashton210/pseuds/Ashton210
Summary: Deadpool but with rwby characters.
Series: RWBY STYLE [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1751530





	Deadpool

............1............

The screen flicked to life, revealing an overpass, where a man in a red suit was dangling his legs over the edge. He was drawing with crayons while music played off his Walkman next to him.

"Hey everyone!" he said to the audience.

"Now, I know what your all thinking: "Who's balls did I have to fondle to get this sexy ass into this red suit?" Her name rhymes with: "Pelvet" and she's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under." He said with an exaggerated accent.

Jaune looked down to see a convoy of vehicles, "Maybe next time. Right now, I got a face to fix, my sexy kitty girlfriend to get back, and OHHHHHH bad guys to kill." He stood on the ledge, "Maximum effort!" He jumped off.

Soft music was playing inside the SUV when Jaune crashed through the sunroof. The driver swerved and hit another car while Jaune began fighting everyone inside. An elbow to the guy on his right, punch to the face to the guy on his left, a kick to the face to the passenger.

"Cock shot!" he then punched the guy in the dick, used him to hit the driver, then threw him out the back.

"HA!" Jaune pointed at the guy hanging onto the bumper.

The guy next to Jaune grabbed him and threw him into the headrest.

"Rich Mistalian Leather!" Jaune mumbled, "Very nice." He said as he wiggled out of his grip and wrapped his feet around his head, "I'm looking for Adam Taurus!" he twisted and snapped his neck.

"Have you seen this man?" Jaune asked the men in the front seats as he showed them his crudely drawn picture. The passenger proceeded to slam his head into the radio.

Red like roses...

Slam, "Ow."

Now it's time to say goodbye...

Slam, "Ow."

Baby, it's time to make up your mind...

Slam, "Ow."

When I wanna say I love you, I say boop...

"Yanky, yanky!" Jaune grabbed his gun and shot the driver. When he saw a man on a bike pull beside him and start shooting at the SUV. The passenger was dead, so Jaune kicked him out colliding with the man on the bike. Jaune noticed the man in back began to climb back in, he punched the driver's wound and slammed his hand on the gas. He pressed the cigarette lighter as the SUV collided with another in the convoy. Jaune had his foot pressing the driver to the window, while he had the other guy in a head lock. The lighter was done, and he pressed it to his forehead. As he opened his mouth to scream Jaune shoved it into his mouth.

"I've never said this before, but don't swallow."

The SUV from before pulled alongside him. Jaune used his foot to steer into the other making the car roll. There was another motorcycle man in front of him and he grabbed his belt. As the car rolled, everything was lined up perfectly.

"Shit," Jaune poked his head out, "Did I leave the stove on?"

The car resumed rolling. It was either all timed really well or Jaune had one hell of a lucky streak, but one man was crushed, motorcycle's head was cut off, another was thrown into a sign becoming red paste.

The SUV landed while all the civilians slammed on their brakes and bolted out of their cars. The rest of the escort pulled up to the one Jaune was in.

The men slowly approached the car.

Jaune pressed a button rolling down the window.

"Hey!" Jaune poked his head up only to be greeted by them shooting him, "WAIT!" Jaune shot his hands up, "You may be wondering why the red suit, well that's so bad guys can't see me bleed! This guy has the right idea!" he pointed to one of them, "He wore the brown pants!"

He looked down at his brown pants, then shot at Jaune.

............2............

"Fine! I only have 12 bullets so you're going to have to share!" Jaune drew his guns then looked back at the audience, "Ruby, let's see if you can keep up little my adorable little weapon nut."

Jaune jumped out of the car with a spin, he fired one round with the casing imprinted: "12." While still in the air he fired another labeled: "11." He landed behind the car while the resumed shooting.

Another motorcycle came around the car and shot Jaune, "Shit," Jaune wiggle his finger through the hole. "Motherfucker!" he looked at the shoot through the hole in his arm.

"10," he fired and missed, "Shit."

"9," he missed again, "Fuck."

"8," the motorcycle was coming around for a second time but Jaune missed again, "ShitFuck!" He jumped over the car and aimed, but he was too late, "Bad DeadJaune." He looked behind him and saw a man trying to sneak by him, "Seven," he shot him in the head, "Good DeadJaune."

Bullets came flying at him, he jumped over a white car and ducked behind the second SUV. The bullets stopped, Jaune stood up and saw the man reloading, he yelped when he resumed fire. The man jumped on the hood of the car and aimed at Jaune striking a pose on the pavement.

Click.

"Someone's not counting," Jaune shot him in the head, "Six."

Two more ducked behind a black van, one pulled a grenade from his belt, he lifted his arm to throw it, but Jaune stepped out and shot the grenade still in his hand.

"¡Me gusta cinco!" Jaune did a little dance, only to be shot. Right in the ass, he fell onto the pavement in a comedic fashion,

"Fffffffour," Jaune groaned as he shot up from between his legs. He slowly stood up and sighed, "Right up main street." He walked over to the guy who shot him, "Three, two! Stupid, but worth it!"

Three men were left, Jaune patiently waited a second as they all lined up. He did another little spin and with one bullet he killed all three of them.

"Ohhhhhh," Jaune moaned as he inhaled the gun smoke, "I'm touching myself tonight."

"Adam!" Jaune happily skipped to the second SUV, "Oh, Adam!" he closed the driver door with his hip, then opened the back, revealing nothing, "What the shitbiscut?! Where you at Adam?!"

Behind him a man was getting up, it was the third man with the bullet barely breaking the skin on his forehead.

Jaune groaned as he turned around, "You're not Adam."

He rolled up his sleeves and drew a pair of knives.

"Should've listened to Yang," Jaune drew the swords on his back, pierced the man before him, and lifted him in the air.

"I would say starting with a murder is pretty strong, but you've already seen that, so what's one more to the mix? But let's go back to before I put this sexy ass of mine in red spandex. Insert cheesy flashback music here."

The shot changed from a close-up of Jaune's ass to a different ass.

............3............

"Look would it help if I slow it down for you?" a different ass spoke, "I didn't order the pizza."

"Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?" The pizza boy asked, "Are you Mr. Bronzewing?"

"Yeah, the Mr. Bronzewing who didn't order the fucking pie!"

"Then who placed the call?" The tired pizza boy asked.

"I did!" Jaune's voice came from the bathroom followed by a flushing noise, "Pineapple and Olive?"

The pizza boy nodded and brought the bag over to Jaune.

"Sweet and Salty," Jaune smiled as the boy pulled out his order.

"The fuck, are you?" Bronzewing was confused, "The fuck you doing in my crib?!"

Bronzewing was cut off when Jaune pulled his 1911 from his waist and aimed it at him nonchalantly. He took a quick sniff, "Is that burnt crust I smell?"

"God, I hope not," the pizza boy was terrified out of his mind.

"Hey man," Bronzewing was close to messing his pants, "If this is about that poker game," he kept talking while Jaune stepped closer, "I told Mercury, I told Mercury... ok, look, just take whatever you want." He handed Jaune his wallet.

"Thanks," Jaune took it.

"Sir," the pizza boy spoke up, "Before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a really big tip?"

Jaune laughed, "Russel is it?"

Russel nodded, and fist bumped Jaune.

"That's a no go on the tiperoo, Russ," Jaune shook his head while pulling a gold card from his wallet, that Mercury instantly recognized, "I'm not here for him. I'm here for you." Jaune turned his gun on Russel.

"Ok," Bronzewing sighed, "Dodged a big-time bullet on that one."

"Not," Jaune cracked his gun across Bronzewing's face, "Out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. P. S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me."

"Can I have my Sam's Card back at least?"

"I will shoot your fucking cat!" Jaune pushed his gun into his forehead.

"I don't really know what that means," Bronzewing sat on his chair while Jaune kept his gun in place, "I don't have a cat."

"Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?" Jaune asked. Bronzewing looked even more confused. Bronzewing was just as confused as Jaune.

"Anyhoo," Jaune holstered his gun and drew a KA-BAR, "Tell me something, what situation isn't improved by pizza?" Jaune used the blade to open the pizza box, "Do you happen to know a Velvet "Scarlatine?" Getting that right? Scarletrina?" Sarlatina?"

Russel nodded his head at the last one. Jaune took a bite out of a slice, "Because she knows you." He spoke with his mouth full. "Russel," he handed the rest of the slice to Bronzewing who fell shy just so when he reached for it, "I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Velvet, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot."

"But I'm..." Russel started.

"A stalker," Jaune finished for him, "Threats hurt Russ. Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. So, keep away from Velvet."

With each word he brought the blade a little closer to Russel's face.

"Cool?" Jaune asked.

"Yes, sir!" Russel answered quickly as his mouth let him.

"Then we're done," Jaune sheathed his blade.

"Wait we are?" Russel was a dumbass for asking that.

"Yeah," Jaune nodded, "Totally done."

Everyone started laughing uneasily, "You should've seen your face!" Jaune pointed at Bronzewing.

"I didn't know what to do," Bronzewing held up his arms, "I was so scared."

"Soft spot remember?" Jaune nodded.

Jaune knocked the pies out of Russel's hands and pushed him against the wall, "You even look in her general direction again and you will learn in the worst of ways, that I have some hard spots too." Jaune thought it over for a second, "That came out wrong. Or did it?" Jaune kissed his cheek while Russel squirmed with fear.

Jaune was walking down some stairs with a pizza box in hand, Bronzewing's sunglasses on, and a carefree stroll in his step. He found Velvet sitting with her friends. Jaune had to think for a second before pointing her out, "Velvet?" She looked up at him he tossed the pizza box in front of her, and some polaroid photos, "You've heard the last of Russel, he's sorry."

"No friggin way," Velvet looked at the photos.

Jaune took off the sunglasses and tossed them aside, "Should've brought my roller blades, shown these kids how it's done."

Velvet jumped up and hugged him.

"And that's why we do it," Jaune nodded, "But mostly for the money."

"Hey," another brunette with a beret spoke up, "Think you can fuck up my step-dad?"

"I give a guy a pavement facial because he's earned it," Jaune began walking away.

"Hey wait!" Velvet called out

Jaune turned around but kept walking.

"You're my hero," she smiled.

"No-no-no-no," Jaune answered quickly, "That I ain't!"

And I never will be, Jaune spoke to the audience, At least not in this universe, I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. Welcome to Sister Raven's. Yeah, I know, but he's got to make changes to fit into the RWBYVerse so shut up. It's like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies, except we knock out the teeth and take the money. You best hope, and I know Mercury can vouch for this, you best hope we never see your name on a gold card.

"Sun," Jaune patted a man's back as he walked around the bar, "Neptune."

"Sup Jaune," they answered.

"Jaune Arc," Ren spread his arms, "Patron Saint of the Pitiful. What can I do for you?"

"I'd love a blowjob," Jaune answered.

"Oh, god, me too," Ren smiled.

"The drink mooseknuckle," Jaune slapped the card on the counter, "Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? Make sure that gets back to Ms..."

"Scarlatina," Ren finished for him, so Jaune didn't fuck it up again.

"Yeah her," Jaune nodded.

"You sure?" Ren asked.

Jaune grunted in agreement.

"You know for a merc you're pretty warm blooded," Ren started making a drink, "I bet you let the kid off easy too."

"He's not a bad kid Ren," Jaune chuckled, "Just a little light stalking. I was way worse than him at that age. I was traveling to exotic places: Vaccuo, Mantel, Patch, meeting new and exciting people. And then..."

"Killing them," both said simultaneously.

"Yeah," Ren nodded, "I've seen your Instagram. So, what was Special Forces doing in Patch?"

"Classified," Jaune smiled, "They have a wonderful T. G. I. Friday."

"All right," Ren gave Jaune his drink with whipped cream ontop, "Kahlua, Baileys, and whipped cream. I give you a blowjob. Why do you make me say that?"

"Yang, Yang, Yang, Yangy Jaune stopped a familiar waitress, "Take that over to Sun and tell him it's a little foreplay from Scarlet."

"Remind me what good will come of this?" Ren asked.

"I don't take the shits," Jaune shrugged, "I just disturb them."

"SCARLET!" Sun yelled pushing people out of his way, "The fuck is this?" Sun rounded on Scarlet with a right hook.

"Cheers," Jaune turned back ignoring the barfight he just started, "To your health."

"Fuck you," Ren sighed.

"Come here you blonde asshole," Scarlet gabbed a barstool.

"That's a new stool," Ren watched as it was broken across Sun's back. Sun gave another right hook sending Scarlet through a table onto the ground. He gave another when he tried getting back up.

"Alright," Ren was moving toward him, "Move, move, move, move, move, Sun go rest." Ren knelt and held up a glass to Scarlet's face, his breath began to fog it up. "Yeah," he rose, "Still breathing."

Everybody started groaning.

"Nobody wins today," Ren began walking back to the bar, "Nice try Jaune."

"You got me," Jaune admitted, "I picked Scarlet in the dead pool, who'd you pick?"

"Yeah, Jaune, about that," Ren sat next to Jaune.

"No," Jaune was appalled, "You did not bet on me to die." Jaune looked above the bar to see his name with $150 next to his name. "You bet on me to die. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. Well, joke's on you, because I'm living to 102, and then dying. In the city of Vale."

"I'm sorry," Ren shook his head, "I wanted to win money. I never win anything."

"Whatever," Jaune shrugged him off.

"Soldiers of fortune drinks on me!" Jaune declared.

"Domestic nothing imported!" Ren quickly corrected.

Jaune began counting the money from the wallet he stole.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, baby," a familiar voice stroked his shoulder, "Are you sure you wanna blow your whole wad?"

"Uhhhhh," Jaune looked over her body, "TIGHT." He held up his pinky.

"Blake," she gripped his with hers.

"Jaune," he kept staring, "What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?"

"I'd hit that," Sun walked up and slapped Blake's ass.

"Sun," Jaune grabbed his shirt and turned him around, "You best apologize before..."

Blake stepped up and grabbed his crotch, "Say the magic words Monkey Boy."

"I'm sorry!" Sun's face was turning red.

"Breath through the nose," Jaune advised.

"I don't have a filter between my brain and my-!" Blake squeezed harder.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Jaune stopped her, "Hakuna his ta tas he said he's sorry."

Blake let him go and Sun quickly ran away, "Hey, hands off the merchandise."

"Merchandise?" Jaune leaned against the bar, "So, you bump uglies for money?"

"Yep," Blake nodded.

"Rough childhood?" Jaune asked.

"Rougher than yours," Blake shrugged, "Daddy left before I was born."

"Daddy left before I was conceived," Jaune shrugged as well.

Blake was confused for a second, "Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?"

"Where else do you put one out?"

"I was molested."

"Me too, uncle."

"Uncles," Blake corrected, "They took turns."

Jaune's eyebrows arched, "I watched my own birthday through the keyhole of a locked closet which also happens to be..."

"Your bedroom?" Blake finished for him, "Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box."

Jaune gasped, "You had a dishwasher. I didn't even know sleep, it was pretty much 24/7 ball-gags, brownie mix, and clown porn."

Blake started laughing, "Who would do such a thing?"

"Hopefully you," Jaune smiled, "Later tonight."

"Hey, what can I get for $275 and a," Jaune rummaged through the wallet, "Yogurtland rewards card?"

"Baby about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want," Blake took the money, "And a low-fat dessert." Blake slipped the card into his mouth and walked off.

Jaune just looked at Ren.

"Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?" Ren watched Jaune walk off.

"It's time to put balls in holes," Jaune was holding Blake while her arms were around his neck.

"I get it," Blake sighed while the camera reveled where they were, "You love skeeball."

"Apparently more than you love vagina," Blake let him go.

"It's a tough call," Jaune nodded, "But we're going for a shot-for-shot remake, so this little gem stays in too."

"Balls in holes," Blake tossed him one.

"Balls in holes," Jaune caught it, "Prepare to lose tragically."

"Bring it big man," Blake smirked as Jaune threw the ball into the 100,000 hole.

"Ruh-Roh," Blake whined.

Jaune nodded victoriously, "Ruh-Roh."

"The limited-edition Pumpkin Pete: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor." Jaune dumped a handful of tickets on the redemption counter, "I've had my eye on this bad boy for a while now." He knelt in front of the glass.

"And I will take the pencil eraser," Blake handed him her seven tickets.

"Alright," the worker presented Jaune his ring, "You are now the protector of the planet Remnant." He handed Blake her eraser, "And you can erase stuff written in pencil."

"M'lady," Jaune held out his arm.

"Well, I hate to break it to you but your 48minutes are up," Blake took his arm.

"Hey," Jaune took off his ring, "How many more minutes can I get for this? FYI, five mini-rabbit bots come together to form one super-bot, so..."

Blake stopped dead in her tracks, "Five mini-rabbit bots?" she gasped, "Three minutes," she shrugged.

"Deal," Jaune slipped the ring on her finger, "What do we do with the 2minutes 37seconds?"

"Cuddle?" Blake shrugged.

Blake was slammed naked against the wall, with an equally naked Jaune pinning her to the wall. Her moans grew louder bordering on screams with each thrust.

Blake threw Jaune on the bed and straddled him while the scene changed. The bed had rose peddles on it, Blake's hair was longer, and she guided his hands up her body to fondle her breasts.

"Happy Valentine's Day," She leaned down and whispered to him.

Jaune rolled her over and her hair style was different again. She was on all fours while Jaune was behind her.

"Happy Mistralian New Year," he leaned down but continued to thrust.

"Year of the dog," Blake's eyes practically rolled in the back of her skull.

This time Jaune was on all fours. While Blake was behind him.

"Relax," she leaned down and bit his ear, "And Happy International Women's Day."

She tightened the belt she was wearing and thrusted into Jaune.

"Yeah, no, no, no," Jaune shook his head.

The scene changed to Jaune and Blake sitting across from one another both reading books.

"Happy lent," Jaune smiled.

Blake blew him a kiss in response.

The calm didn't stay however, as the next scene was Blake on her back in a black lacy bra moaning. Her face soured, and her moans stopped.

"Jaune!" she scolded.

"Sorry!" his head came out from under the sheet with plastic vampire teeth, "Happy Halloween he spit the teeth out."

Blake giggled and pulled him up to her face. The scene transitioned into Jaune slamming Blake onto a table of food. She forced food into his mouth as he thrusted.

"Happy Thanksgiving," she moaned.

"I love you," Jaune responded.

"If your left leg is Thanksgiving," Blake was laying on the bed with a sheet covering her body, "And your right is Christmas, can I visit you between holidays?" he yanked off the sheet revealing her in a Snowman's sweater, he gasped happily, "That sweater is terrible! Red looks good on you."

"Red's your color," She pushed him with her foot, "It brings out the bloodshot in your eyes."

"I've been thinking,"

"Really?"

"About why we're so good together."

"Why's that?" Blake sat up.

"Your crazy matches my crazy," Jaune nodded, "Big time." Blake nodded in agreement, "And, we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know, the weird curvy edges..."

"When you put them together and you can see the picture on top," Blake finished for him.

"Right," Jaune nodded.

"Jaune," Blake wrapper her arms around his neck, "There's something I wanna ask you. But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. Will you stick it my...?"

"Marry me?" Jaune held up a ring pop.

"Jinx?" Blake held a really bad smile, "Where were you hiding that?"

"Nowhere," The camera zoomed out revealing Jaune's bare ass, "They say one month's salary so."

"You mean?"

"I do,"

"That's my line," Blake kissed him, "I love you Jaune Arc."

Jaune was thoroughly confused, "You're supposed to... So that's a..."

"Yes!" Blake cheered putting on the ring. Jaune released his breath and began cheering too.

"I feel just like a little girl!" Jaune snuggled up to Blake, "What if I just held you and never let you go?"

"Just ride a bitch's back like Yoda on Luke," Blake smiled.

"Star Wars jokes," Jaune closed his eyes.

"Empire," Blake corrected.

"Holy God it's like I made you in a computer," Jaune kissed her, he grabbed the instant camera on the nightstand and took a picture of both of them, "Shake it, alright wee, break." Jaune got up and went to the bathroom.

Here's the thing: life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. He took off his sweater and stood at the edge of the bed, Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program.

"What the fuck?" Jaune whispered as he passed out.

"Oh, my god Jaune?!" Blake leapt off the bed to his side.

"You're clowning," Jaune shook his head at the doctor, "You're not clowning. I sense clowns."

"People react to news of late-stage cancer differently," the doctor nodded, "There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed every day."

Blake was holding Jaune's hand with both of hers. She looked into his eyes then turned to the doctor, "So what do we do? Surely there is something we can do."

Blake's already working on Plan A, B, all the way to ZA. Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. Like it's the first time I'm seeing it, or the last.

"Mr. Arc," the doctor was talking to Jaune, "Mr. Arc? Take your time to process this. Its important not to do anything rash."

Jaune was back on the highway. He ripped the swords out of the man above him and sheathed them on his back. He sighed and looked around for a moment.

............4............

"Now if I were a two hundred-pound bag of assholes named: "Adam" where would I hide?" Jaune turned to the sound of a motorcycle revving, "Oh."

It drove by him and attempted to shoot him, Jaune jumped on a nearby car and threw one of his swords into the front wheel. The bike flipped and launched Adam skidding across the pavement. Where he slammed into the SUV on its side.

"A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Jaune Arc out of Vale lines up the shot," Jaune made a took measurements with his hands, "His form looks good," Jaune ran up and kicked Adam in the head against the car. Adam raised his gun, but Jaune grabbed it and kicked Adam again, "And that's why Vale rhymes with fun! Ladies and Gentlemen what you're witnessing is sweet dick-kicking revenge!" Jaune jumped into the air and made sure his crotch landed on Adam's helmet. He threw Adam against the concrete barrier, "This is taking unsportsmen like conduct to a whole new level!" he drove his sword into Adam's shoulder pinning him to the barrier. Jaune used to fingers to lift Adam's head, "Looking good Adam, well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. Ringing any bells? No?" Jaune lifted his mask revealing the horrifying deformities to his face, "How about now?"

"Jaune fucking Arc," Adam laughed, "Well, hello, gorgeous."

"Yeah like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei," Jaune nodded, "Yeah, and whose fault is that, huh, Adam? Time to undo what you did to this butterface."

"Please," Adam scoffed, "You should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous."

"Yeah but this aint a life worth living is it?" Jaune flicked his sword handle, "Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s." Jaune reeled back a fist and it hit a metal crotch. He turned his hand around and began groping it, "Dad?" He looked up and Ironwood grabbed him by the arm and threw him into a nearby car.

I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. Well, maybe not THE most.

"This is my most prized possession," Jaune was in his apartment with Blake and he held up a record.

"Wham?" Blake asked.

"No, no, no, Wham!" Jaune corrected, "Make it big is the album George and Andy earned the exclamation point."

Blake rolled her eyes and continued to make Jaune's smoothie, "So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door?"

"Think of it like spring cleaning," Jaune went to a shelf behind the island, "Only if spring was death." Jaune pulled out a snow-white coin purse, "God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Weiss Schnee."

Blake jingled the purse, "Sounds like you do."

"Weiss is not going anywhere," Blake shoved the purse into her shirt, "Because you're not going anywhere. Drink."

"You're right," Jaune shrugged, "Cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All things I can live without." Blake forced him to take a drink. Jaune took one sip and was immediately repulsed.

"You belong here at home," Blake's voice was breaking, "Surrounded by your Pumpkin Pete, your Weiss and your me."

"Listen," Jaune sat on the bed, "We both know that cancer is a shit show. Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the-Spin-Doctors-at-the-Mistrailian-Fair shit show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me. Not the ghost of Christmas me."

"Well I wanna remember us," Blake was close to tears.

"I swear to god I will find you in the nest life and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. Wham!"

"No one is boom-boxing shit!" Blake joined Jaune on the bed, "We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win, your life is WAY more fucked up than mine."

Jaune began laughing, "I love you."

Blake smiled and kissed him.

The scene changed to a pool table. At Sister Raven's Jaune walked in wearing a black hoodie and sat at the bar.

"Jaune," Ren greeted.

"Ren," Jaune nodded.

"You look like you need a blowjob and a shower," Ren looked him over, "Though courtesy calls for the latter first."

"How about three shots of Patron?" Jaune suggested.

"Or!" Ren pulled out a different glass, "Triticum, aestivum, wheatgrass great for the immune system."

"Fucking Christ you sound like Blake," Jaune groaned, "Check it out, she sent away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I'm sure they're all FDA approved. Vaccuo, isn't that where you go to get cancer? Mistral and Menagerie, you know how the faunus they say cancer?"

"No," Ren shook his head.

"El Cancer," Jaune nodded with wide eyes.

"I could've guessed that," Ren shrugged.

Ren pulled out the polaroid of Jaune and Blake, "You mind if I put this up? So, I can remember what you looked like when you were alive. At least now I'm going to win the Deadpool. Now that you're going to die tragically of cancer."

"I get it Ren thanks," Jaune nodded.

"Oh," Ren pulled a black card with a number on it from his coat pocket, "That guy over there came in looking for you. Real grim reaper type. I dunno might further the plot."

Neptune passed him a shot, and he downed it as he sat across from the man in a white suit.

"Mr. Arc," he straightened his coat.

"How can I help you?" Jaune asked, "Besides luring children into a panel van?"

"I understand you've been diagnosed with terminal cancer," Roman nodded.

"Stalker alert," Jaune glared.

"It's my job," Roman shrugged, "Recruitment. I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. But you're a fighter, special forces. Forty-one confirmed kills."

"One every seven weeks," he grabbed Roman's drink, "Same rate most folks get a haircut. It's tough to forget being so impressive."

"And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people."

"People change, what do you want?"

"I represent an organization that might be able to help. What if I told you we could cure your cancer? And give you abilities most men only dream of?"

Jaune thought it over, "I'd say you sound like an infomercial. But not a good one like Slap Chop." Jaune started a motion with his hand, "More shakeweighty."

"The world needs extraordinary soldiers," Roman explained, "We won't just make you better. We'll make you better than better. A superhero."

"Look Agent Smith, I tried the hero business and it left a mark. But if I ever hit "Fuck it" I'll look you up," Jaune began only to sit back down, "Shit, we're within five-hundred yards of a school, so you may wanna..." Jaune returned to the back and pointed back at Roman, "His drinks on him."

Jaune was sitting by the window while it rained. Blake stirred on the bed and looked up at him, "Hey, what's going on?"

"Hey," Jaune looked at her, "Sorry, I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it." He crawled into bed with Blake. They've made three of those movies, at some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent."

The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you, Jaune packed his bags, But what it does to the people you love. Who knew if this guy could save my life, but I knew there was only one way to save hers.

Blake's ears twitched, and she rose from the bed as the door closed.

Isn't that what superheroes do?

Jaune hit one of the cars so hard he dented the frame.

Let's pro con this whole superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass. Local dry-cleaning discounts. Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame ass teacher's pets.

"You know I can hear you," Ironwood shrugged.

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to them!" Jaune pointed at the audience.

"Stay here," Ironwood told Adam, "You've been warned before DeadJaune. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us."

"Look Irondick I don't have time for your goody two-shoes bullshit right now!" Jaune dragged himself up, "And you are?"

Ruby looked him up and down, "Negasonic Teenage Warhead."

"Negasonic Teenage... What the shit?!" Jaune yelled, "That's the coolest name ever!"

Ruby just shrugged.

"So, what are you his sidekick?" Jaune stepped past them.

"No trainee," Ironwood crossed his arms.

"Ozpin left you behind on what? Shit detail?"

"What does that make you?" Ruby sat on the trunk of the car

"Pretending you're not here Negasonic Teenage Warhead can we trade names?" Jaune punched Adam in the face.

"Can we go?" Ruby rolled her eyes.

"Look!" Jaune began walking toward Ruby, "I'm a teenage girl. I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long sullen silences, followed mean comments, followed by more silences. So, what's going to be? Long sullen silence or mean comment? Go on."

"You got me in a box here," Ruby admitted.

Jaune cheered right on the spot.

"We cannot allow this DeadJaune," Ironwood watched Jaune pace, "Please come with us."

"You big chrome cock-gobbler!" Jaune threw a piece of debris that literally bounced off Ironwood's flesh.

"That's not nice," he simply stated.

"You're really going to fuck this up for me? Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick tips has it coming!" He pointed at Adam, "He's pure evil! Besides, nobody's getting hurt."

The man that collided with the billboard fell onto the car below. The three turned their heads to see the body slide off the car.

"That guy was already up there when I got here," Jaune immediately said.

"Jaune you're better than this," Ironwood tired to reason with him, "Join us, use your powers for good."

Jaune picked up a hubcap and tossed it at Adam's head, "Head's up."

"Be a superhero!" Ironwood was still talking.

"Listen!" Jaune turned to Ironwood, "The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners in the Wizard's Tower of some creepy, old, gray-haired, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker ON THAT DAY! I'll send your shiny happy ass a friend request. But until then I'm going to do what I came here to do, either that or slap the bitch out of you!"

"Jaune," Ironwood sighed.

"Hey!" Ruby yelled.

"Zip it Red Riding Hood!" Jaune yelled.

"Hey Dead Douche!" Ruby pointed to where Adam was pinned.

"And I hope you're watching!" Jaune looked back at Adam but he was gone. Jaune gasped long and loudly. He looked at Ironwood then at the spot where Adam was. He did this several times before screaming, "That does it!" Jaune jumped up and punched Ironwood in the face. He then fell to his knees and shook the shattered bones in his hand, "That's not good."

"Jaune," Ironwood stepped closer.

"Cockshot!" Jaune's hand shatter upon impact, "Oh your poor wife!"

"All the dinosaurs feared the t-rex," Jaune held up his broken hands. He jumped into that and delivered a spinning kick to Ironwood's face and then fell onto the ground. Ruby was enjoying the show and was laughing the whole time, "I PROMISE THIS GETS WORSE FOR YOUR BIG BOY!"

"This is embarrassing," Ironwood crossed his arms, "Please stay down."

"Ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass kicking contest?" Jaune hopped in place.

"Do you have off switch?" Ironwood asked.

"Yeah it's right next to the prostate," Jaune giggled, "Or is that the on switch?"

"ENOUGH!" Ironwood backhanded him, and he flew right into a car. Jaune groaned and fell off the car onto the pavement, "Let's go see the headmaster."

"Oscar or Ozpin?" Jaune asked.

Ironwood didn't answer, he handcuffed Jaune to his hand and dragged him along.

"Dead or Alive you're coming with me!" Jaune yelled.

"You'll recover Jaune," Ironwood sighed, "You always do."

Jaune snapped his hand back into place and drew a knife from his boot, "Ever see One hundred twenty-seven hours? Spoiler alert." Jaune began cutting his wrist.

Ironwood lifted Jaune up as he was cutting. A giant glob of blood landed on his face, "There's the money shot baby! Are you there god it's me Margret!" Jaune kicked off Ironwood when his wrist was weak enough. He backflipped off the roof and landed in a garbage truck. Ironwood looked at the cuff and Jaune's hand was flipping him off.

Rock, meet bottom. When life ends up breathtakingly fucked you can generally trace it back to one big bad decision. The one that sent you down the road to shitsburg.

Jaune was in a gurney being wheeled through a dark hallway.

This? Well, this was mine.

............5............

"Mr. Arc," Roman greeted him, "Nothing warms my heart more than the change of someone else's. You finally hit "Fuck it."

Jaune sighed, "Just promise you'll do right by me, so I can do right by someone else."

"Of course," Roman nodded. He motioned for the men to wheel him inside. Jaune did his best to look around and saw a lot of different people with powers of their own.

"This place seems sanitary," Jaune was wheeled next to a bed and the men lifted him up, "First request is warmer hands," and slammed him on the bed, "And holy god, a warmer table." They began restraining Jaune, "We should really come up with a safe word fellas, "I'm thinking pork and beans." Jaune looked up and watched them leave only to have his head slammed down by Cinder, "Easy." She restrained his neck, "Aren't you a little strong for a lady? I'm calling wang."

"What's with the matches?" Jaune watched her chew, "Oral fixation? Or just a big Stallone fan?" Cinder clasped her hand around Jaune's mouth and squeezed.

"Patience Cinder," Adam stepped in, "All in good time."

"Are you here for the turndown service or what?" Jaune asked.

Adam smiled and looked at Cinder, "We have another talker."

"I'm just excited for my first day at superhero camp!" Jaune squeed.

"Shut the fuck up," Cinder decided to gag him.

"Mr. Arc my name is Ajax," Adam examined his eyes, "I manage this workshop. My welcome speeches us to be full of euphemisms like: "This may hurt a little." "This may cause you some discomfort." But I've grown blunt. This workshop isn't a government run program. It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself into men of extraordinary abilities. But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly you'd be wrong. I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress." Adam flipped a switch and the serum was injected into Jaune, "You've heard the whole: "Make an omelet break some eggs" bit, right? I'm about to hurt you Jaune. I was a patient here once. The treatment effects everyone differently, it made Cinder inhumanly strong. It enhanced my reflexes, it also scorched my nerve endings, so I never feel pain. In fact, I no longer feel anything."

Jaune began mumbling against the gag. Adam looked at Cinder and she removed it, "Thanks! Thank you! Thank you! You've got something in your teeth. Right in the middle there, just, a little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. It's been bothering me for a long time." Adam walked back and examined his teeth in a polished tank, "Made you look."

"Is Ajax your real name?" Jaune playfully asked, "Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster? Is it Basil Fawlty?" he said the last name with an accent.

"Joke away," Adam nodded, "One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor."

"We'll see about that," Jaune challenged.

"I suppose we will," Adam accepted, "He's all yours." Adam nodded to Cinder and walked away.

"Oh come on," Jaune complained, "You're really gonna leave me here with less angry Winter Schnee?" With one punch Cinder knocked him out.

Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, Adam was narrating this time while Jaune was suspended from the ceiling while a man continuously used him as a punching bag. We're going to have to make you suffer, Jaune was naked in a cage while they sprayed him with freezing water from a high-pressure hose. If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. Cinder was drowning him in a steel vat of motor oil. If not, then we'll just have to keep hurting you. Adam opened the lid revealing Jaune submerged in water and ice. In new a different ways more painful than the last. Jaune was chained to a fence that was constantly being electrocuted. Until you finally mutate or die.

"You mean a bucket list?" Jaune was retrained in a bed in the room behind Cardin Winchester.

"More like a fuck-it list," Jaune shrugged, "I'd really like to light a spliff off the Olympic torch."

"Pass it to me right after," Cardin nodded.

"Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs," Jaune listed.

"Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity," Cardin approved.

"Finally giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven," Jaune listed.

"No," Cardin shook his head, "RECEVING a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney." Jaune wheezed when he tried to laugh, "Making banana pancakes for my kids."

Jaune closed his eyes, "Blake." He pictured her in his apartment wearing his Pumpkin Pete ring, "I wanna see Blake."

"I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched," Adam stepped into Cardin's room.

"We're just joking," Cardin cowered.

"No, no," Adam grabbed Cardin's toes, "It's ok, I encourage distractions. Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?"

"Don't take any shit from him Cardin!" Jaune yelled, "I mean how tough can he be with a name like Taurus?"

"Taurus?" Cardin asked.

Adam and Cinder glanced at one another. Before Adam went into Jaune's room.

"It's his legal name!" Jaune began laughing, "He got Ajax from the dish soap! Adam Taurus." Adam entered and glared at Jaune, "Snagged the dry-cleaning tag from your lab coat. FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount."

"You are so relentlessly annoying," Adam inhaled and exhaled.

"Thanks," Jaune rolled his eyes, "Never heard that one before."

"Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up?" Adam asked, "Or I'll sew that pretty mouth shut."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Jaune shook his head, "See, that's the problem with round-the-clock torture. You can't really step it up from there."

Adam viciously smirked, "Is that what you think?'

Jaune was unsurprisingly restrained again in another machine.

"If this doesn't unlock your mutation then nothing will," Adam was eating his lunch, "What this machine does, is lower the oxygen concentration in the air to the exact point to where you think like you're suffocating. If your brainwaves slow meaning you're about to pass out, then we crank up the O2. If your heartbeat slows meaning you can catch your breath, then we turn it back down. That's where we'll leave you, right there."

"And I thought you guys where dicks before," Jaune shuddered.

"You know what the really funny thing is?" Adam stood up, "You still think we're making you a superhero. You. A dishonorable discharge. Waist deep in hookers. You're nothing. Little secret Jaune, this workshop doesn't make superheroes we make super-slaves. We're going to fit you with a control collar and sell you to the highest bidder. Who knows what you'll be doing. Terrorizing citizens, taking down freedom fighters, maybe just mowing the lawn."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jaune was genuinely offended.

"You're never going home after this, now there's a brave face," Adam closed the lid.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Jaune stopped him, "Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now."

Adam nodded, "Enjoy your weekend."

"Weekend?!" Jaune screamed, "Back up! Weekend?!"

Adam flipped a switch and smirked as Jaune began to gag and gasp for air. Adam turned the lights off as he left the room. Who knows how much time passed, suddenly Jaune's heart monitor began beeping faster than it should have even in this scenario. He thrashed against the restraints as his skin began to fall off. All his skin and hair fell off him, but his mutation began to heal him, but it wasn't the same. The new layer of skin didn't properly apply and was a twisted malformation of his old self.

Did I say this was a love story? Jaune was narrating again, I meant this is a horror show.

............6............

Adam turned on the light and opened the tank. Jaune was gasping savoring every breath he took.

"Fucking hell," Adam shook his head, "Looks like someone lost his shot at homecoming king."

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!" Jaune demanded.

"I mearly raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation," Adam shrugged.

"YOU SADISTIC FUCK!" Jaune screamed.

"I've cured you Jaune," Adam smiled, "Now your mutated cells can heal anything. It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. Yeah, I've seen similar side-effects before. I could cure them, but where's the fun in that? Now, I'm going to shut you in again, Jaune. Not because I need to, but because I want to. Oh well, go ahead."

"You smell like shit," Cinder scoffed as she undid his neck restraint. Jaune responded with a headbutt. Adam laughed, and Cinder was about to kill him.

"It's alright," Adam chuckled, "It's alright, I think we owe him that one yeah? You take off, go on." Cinder stepped out while Adam looked at Jaune.

"Quick question," Adam leaned into Jaune's face, "What's my name?" Jaune didn't answer for once, "Didn't think so." He nodded and closed the lid.

Sorry Adam, my lips are sealed.

Jaune was groaning as he spit out the match he stole from Cinder into his hand. He used his thumb to ignite it and he tossed it in front of the oxygen vent. Soon enough when the oxygen came back in, the fire spread into the tank causing a massive explosion. Soon enough the whole lab was on fire. Adam came rushing in with a fire extinguisher and began spraying the flames. He saw the chamber Jaune was in and saw it empty.

Jaune rushed Adam with a tank and smacked him to the ground. Adam used the extinguisher to hit Jaune, he dodged and punched Adam in the face. On the ground Adam swept Jaune's leg and tried to attack him on the ground. Jaune rolled out of the way, jumped up, and hit Adam again. Adam blocked and tried to attack Jaune, but Jaune used his tank to send Adam flying. Adam stood up and popped his neck, Jaune threw the tank at him, Adam deflected it, and Jaune tackled him into the support beam. Jaune began to punch him repeatedly when Adam pinned him to the beam.

"You don't wanna kill me!" Adam held Jaune against the beam, "I'm the only one who can fix you ugly mug!" Adam got behind Jaune and suplexed him into the concrete. Jaune stood up and threw a punch, but with his enhanced reflexes Adam quickly blocked, jabbed Jaune in the throat, and threw him away. He picked up a piece of rebar and impaled him to the floor.

Adam bent the rebar toward Jaune, "What's my name?"

Jaune was too busy drooling blood to answer. Adam left, Jaune looked around and saw Cardin restrained to his bed. He closed his eyes as the inferno consumed the building. The ashes began to shift and Jaune dug himself out perfectly fine.

I didn't just get the cure for El Cancer, I got the cure for El Everything. But there was only one thing that really mattered.

Blake was walking down the street wearing one of Jaune's old jackets. As he followed her he could saw everyone staring at him. He heard everything they were saying about him. He couldn't bring himself to approach her.

"No way," Jaune sat at the bar, "I'm not making her life as ugly as mine."

"Come on Jaune it can't be that bad," Ren scoffed.

"Bullshit!" Jaune began pacing, "I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus."

"Jaune, Blake loves you, she wont care what," Jaune took off his hood, "OH!"

"You like what you see?" Jaune asked.

"No," Ren shook his head, "You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. Not gently. Like it was hate fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence."

"And the only one who can fix this fugly mug is the faunus shitstick who ran the mutant factory," Jaune explained, "And he's gone. POOF!"

"Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now you only have one course of action,"

"Damn straight, find Adam."

"Star in horror films."

"What?"

"Star in your own horror films. Because you look like a nevermore face fucked a topographical map of Vale."

"Here's what I'm actually gonna do," Jaune sat down, "I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Adam. Force him to fix this mug, put a bullet in his skull, then fuck the brain hole."

"I don't want to see that, or think about that ever again," Ren shook his head. He thinks your dead right? Maybe we should keep it that way."

"Like wear a mask?"

"YES!" Ren yelled, "A very thick one all the time. I'm sorry you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares."

"Like a testicle with teeth?"

"You will die alone. I mean if you could die. Ideally for others' sake."

"That'll do," Jaune wanted Ren to shut up now.

"All you need now is a costume and a nickname," Ren drank his draft, "Jaune the Wisecracker. Scaredevil. Mr. Neverdie. Hell, it could be anything, I mean everyone thinks you're Dead Jaune."

"DeadJaune," Jaune nodded, "Captain DeadJaune."

"First just DeadJaune," Ren shook his head, "Second isn't saying your name you know kind of counterproductive?"

"I'm killing them all anyway does it matter?" Jaune asked.

"Guess not," Ren and Jaune toasted.

Jaune was sitting at his desk cutting white fabric as he made his first mask. He stood in front of a wall with Adam wearing a crown of dicks, Cinder and Roman.

"This shit's gonna have nuts in it!" Jaune looked at the audience with a smile.

Jaune slammed a man into a pinball machine demanding to know where Adam was. Another man broke a poolcue across his back, so Jaune took it from him and stabbed him with it. A third man shot Jaune until he was empty. Jaune removed the poolcue and turned to the other one, he began chasing him screaming to know where Adam was. He threw a knife into a picture on the wall of suspects then stared at his ruined costume. He was now in a laundry made with a tide stick trying to get the blood out.

"Seltzer water and lemon for blood," Glynda was loading her own washer, "Or wear red. Dumbass."

Jaune was now sewing a red suit. It wasn't leather yet, and this one was missing its eyes. Jaune was standing in front of a ring where two faunus were fighting. Jaune pushed his way toward his target, he drew his gun but Jaune stabbed his hand with his sword. He fired two shots into the air making everyone clear out.

"Don't make me ask twice, Where is Adam?" He was then stabbing a picture of his target with an icepick, "Made me ask twice, is the mask muffling my voice?"

Now Jaune was wearing the suit from the beginning, he loaded his desert eagles, and his two swords. He shot two men at the bottom of the stair case, jumped over the railing, rolled and shot two more guys. He threw a man over a desk, then stabbed another man in a hallway. All while demanding to know where Adam was. One man tried to attack, but Jaune blocked with his sword and shot him in the face. One guy was crawling away while Jaune chased him laughing manically.

"You're about to be killed by a Zamboni!" Jaune kept laughing.

"WHERE'S ADAM!" He threw a woman into a box.

"No please!" she begged.

"Oh god!" Jaune covered his mouth with his hands, "I'm so sorry!" another one attacked him, "LITLE SPIDER MONKEY!" he threw the second one off him.

"WHERE!" kick, "IS!" kick, "ADAM?!" he closed the safe door on his head.

"This is confusing," Jaune drew his gun, "Is it sexist to kill you? Is it MORE sexist not to kill you? I mean, the line gets real blurry." He shot her anyway.

"¿Donde esta Adam?" Jaune continued killing men in the hallway. One man he killed on the toilet.

"TELL ME WHERE YOUR FUCKING BOSS IS!" Jaune screamed from the Zamboni, "OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! IN FIVE MINUTES!"

Jaune had a sticky note with a crude drawing labled: "Zamboni guy." Which he stabbed with a screw driver. Which was one of the many odd things he used on the wall of craziness. Steak knives, regular knives, lawn-darts, anything really.

Roman was seen handing a card to another homeless man. This one had USMC tattooed on his knuckles, "Don't hesitate to call me." Roman marked off his name in a small ledger and began walking with his guards outside.

"Nice to see you Jared!" Jaune called out from the top of a pallet, "I'll take the footlong, fully loaded."

Roman immediately started running away while his guards stayed behind. Not that it mattered, Jaune jumped off the pallet he was standing on shot one, stabbed the other with his sword and pushed it down cutting him in half. Roman was running through the crowd when Jaune tackled him into a car.

"Forty-One confirmed kills!" Jaune dragged him up, "Now it's eighty-nine. About to be ninety."

"Mr. Arc?" Roman asked.

"Ding-ding," Jaune nodded.

"You're looking very alive," Roman smiled.

"Only on the outside," Jaune shook his head.

"This is not going to end well for me is it?" Roman asked.

"This is not going to end well for you no," Jaune answered, "Where's your boss?"

"I can tell you everything," Jaune cut him off with a finger to his lips.

"Oh, you'll tell me, but first," Jaune moved the camera away, "You might want to look away for this. This little piggy went to!" Roman began screaming, "Thank you Agent Smith." He stabbed his photo on the wall of craziness. "We all know what happened from here." The movie did a literal fast-forwarding motion as it jumped to Jaune with a unicorn in one hand and his dick in the other, "WHOOPS! Weren't meant to see that one!"

............7............

Jaune rolled out of the garbage truck in front of his new house, "Some types of anger can't be managed," he continued to talk to the audience, "Like when your year long plan ends with THE WRONG GUY GETTING DISMEMBERED! That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. I share that home with someone you've met already. The hot blonde blind lady from the laundry mat."

"God, I miss cocaine," Glynda was finishing her laundry.

"Her," Jaune pointed, "Forth wall break within a forth wall break, and you're reading this on a computer or phone, that's sixty-four walls broken!"

"She's like Robin to my Batman," Jaune explained, "Only she's hot, and a woman, and blind, and I think she's in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman too."

Jaune was knocking on the door, Glynda grabbed her stick and began toward the door. Only she tripped on the Roomba and Jaune forced the door open. It was the perfect scene with Glynda bending over and all. He thrusted against her and threw his sheathes aside, "Smells like old lady pants in here."

"Yes, I'm old and I wear pants," Glynda stood up.

"But you're no lady," Jaune slipped into some horrendous blue rubber shoes, "Oh, so comfy."

"Upside of being blind, I've never seen you in crocs," Glynda walked back to the dresser she was building.

"You mean my big blue rubber masturbating shoes?" Jaune asked.

"Yes, I know," Glynda sighed, "Downside of being blind, I hear everything that goes on in this house."

Jaune fell onto the floor, "Sit on a stick."

"Bactin?" she asked.

"Yeah," Jaune revealed his stump, "Bactin should do it." Jaune rolled his eyes, "How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know."

"You're telling me," Glynda continued, "I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement over the Hurdal."

"Please," Jaune scoffed, "Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. I'd taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Kullen."

"Screw please," Glynda held out her hand.

"Here? Now? Just kidding I know it's been decades," Jaune smirked.

"You'd be surprised," Glynda smirked.

"Pretty grossed out," Jaune's smirk vanished.

"Ta-da!" Glynda sat down and the dresser fell apart, "I wish I never heard of Craigslist."

"And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. Must be good with hands." Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?"

"Why such a douche this morning?" Glynda snapped.

Jaune shot to his knees, "Let's recap. The cock thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today," he raised his stump, "Arm." Jaune got up grabbed a stuffed unicorn, lotion, and a book, "Catching him was the only way I was going to be hot again, get my super sexy kitty back, and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo." Jaune walked to his room and farted, "Hashtag driveby."

Adam rode his bike to back to his base. Where he jumped off and let it crash into a wall. Cinder was at work sedating and locking up their projects in metal boxes.

"Found out who our friend in the red suit is," Adam sighed, "Fucking Jaune Arc," Cinder was stitching up his shoulder wound, "Suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that. I only wish I healed the same." Cinder patted his back when she was done, "Still, we'll put him out of our misery on our terms."

"And when he heals?" Cinder asked.

"He can't," Adam put on a new shirt, "Not when there's nothing left of him to heal. You know it's funny, I almost miss the fucker. I like a challenge. But he's bad for business, now let's go find him."

Jaune let out a relieved groan as he lay on the sofa.

"Tylenol PM?" Glynda asked sitting next to him.

"You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin," Jaune laid his head on his shoulder, "I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet and I am orbiting the fucking moon right now." Jaune caressed her chin with his tiny hand, "But I appreciate the gesture."

"Am I crazy or is your hand really small?" Glynda asked.

"About the size of a KFC spork," Jaune flexed his tiny fingers.

"I get why you're so pissy," Glynda retracted from the tiny hand, "But your mood is never going to improve until you find this woman and tell her how you feel."

"What do I keep telling you Mrs. Magoo?" Jaune asked, "She wouldn't have me. If you could see me you'd understand."

"Looks aren't everything."

"Looks ARE everything. You ever hear David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a tank of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?"

"Love is blind Jaune."

"No, you're blind."

"So, you're just going to lie there and whimper?"

"No, I'm going to wait till this hand plows through puberty and then I'm going to come up with a whole new Christmas Day Plan. In the meantime," Jaune put up his feet in his big blue rubber masturbating shoes, "You might wanna leave the room, I bet it feels HUGE in this hand." Jaune whispered "Go" repeatedly as Glynda dragged herself up.

"So, the doctor says, "The bad news is you don't have that long to live." So, the patient asks, "How long do I have?" Doc says, "Five." Patient asks, "Five what?" Doctor says, "Four, three, two..."

Sun and Neptune start cracking up. Ren took a drink and saw Adam and Cinder standing at the other end of the bar.

"Can I help you ladies?" Ren asked.

"I do hope so," Adam sat at the bar, "I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a friend of mine. Name of Jaune Arc."

"Don't know the name," Ren shrugged.

Adam watched Ren trey to block a photo in the cabinet behind him. He motioned to Cinder and she pushed him out of the way taking the photo.

"I've seen this girl before," she handed Adam the photo.

"So, you must be Blake," Adam looked at the picture, "I've heard so much about you."

Cinder grabbed Ren by the throat and lifted him against the wall. Every patron in the bar simultaneously drew their guns at them.

"Sweetheart you might wanna look around," Ren pointed to the guys behind him, "This isn't the sort of place to do something like that."

"Easy Cinder," Adam stood up, "Put the little man down, we've got everything we need now."

"You sure?" Ren asked, "You don't want any clothes that aren't monochromatic? Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade 2. Thanks for having my back guys," Ren watched them leave before going to the phone, "Jaune, we got a fucking problem, and by "we" I mean "you."

"I can't believe I'm doing this," Jaune and Ren were rushing down the street, "Is there a word for half afraid half angry?"

"Yeah, "afrangry," I guess," Ren shrugged.

"Have you decided what you're going to say to her?" Ren asked.

"Fuck me!" Jaune grunted.

"Maybe not start with that," Ren advised as they entered the club.

The club had purple lighting, the music was loud, and the women were naked. The announcer declared a woman named Chastity was coming onto the stage.

"Or as I like to call her irony," Ren chuckled, "How do you know Blake is even here?"

"Because I'm constantly stalking that Sexy Kitty," Jaune started moving around the club.

Jaune and Ren walked through the club. Jaune examined the ladies on the stage but none of them were his Sexy Kitty. He didn't seem to notice that Ren was stopped by a stripper with orange hair and turquoise eyes.

Jaune stopped dead in his tracks.

Every time I see her, it's like the first time, Blake was wearing a short cocktail dress that ended right at her ass, she was bending over the bar to grab some drinks, Especially from this angle.

He was a foot away from her. He stopped himself just to drink in her beauty. Blake had a feeling someone was watching her, not just another patron, but HIM. The moment she turned her head, Jaune dove for the bathroom. She stood there with heartbroken eyes as she searched for him but found no one.

Jaune washed his face in the sink, "Oh you weak motherfucker! Come on, get it together. This isn't about me this is about Blake. Here we go. Maximum effort."

"Blake," Junior called out to her, "Someone out back is looking for you, something about an old boyfriend or something?" Blake stared at him disbelieving. She walked into the back alley in the pouring rain. She looked around and finally saw the silhouette of a man against the wall.

"I knew it was you," Blake spoke against the rain, "The weird curvy edges. Like a jigsaw puzzle."

The man kicked himself off the wall. Stepped closer causing Blake to smile, until the street light revealed it was Adam.

"You have Jaune Arc to thank for this," Adam nodded, and Cinder knocked Blake out.

"Hey," Ren found Jaune, "Hey, where'd she go?"

"I saw her head to the back," Ren was more focused on the stripper in front of him, "Go get her tiger."

Jaune stepped outside but found no one. He looked around and saw something familiar on the ground. He picked up the white coin purse and his face shifted to one of horror, "Fuck. MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Wait, wait," Ren followed Jaune into his room.

"Cock juggling," Jaune raved, "Jiminy fuck face!"

"We can talk about what we're gonna do..."

Jaune punched a nearby dummy.

"Or you could hit that."

With every hit Jaune screamed: "Fuck!" A scroll started ringing, Jaune pointed at his desk, "Find it! Find it!"

"It's Blake," Ren picked up the phone.

"What?" Jaune rushed to his side.

"No, it's Adam," Ren read the text, "You want her? Come and get her. The scrapyard, 12pm. Love, Ajax."

"What is that?" Jaune pointed at the emoji under the text.

"That's the shit emoji," Ren explained, "The turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long."

"I need guns," Jaune exhaled.

"Ok which ones?" Ren asked.

"I NEED ALL THE GUNS!" Jaune stomped his foot.

Ren grabbed the shotgun on top of the dresser. Glynda grabbed the rifle in the safe. Jaune threw a different shotgun and knife into his bag. Ren grabbed a knife on top of the cabinet. Glynda grabbed a shotgun behind the dresser. Jaune grabbed a rifle behind the toilet. A SMG duck taped to the bottom of the desk. An automatic pistol in the drawer. A revolver under his pillow. A people magazine with sexiest man alive on the cover. Ren dumped a box of ammo into the bag.

"That's about three-thousand rounds," Ren nodded.

"And we all know what I can to with twelve," Jaune smirked, he turned around and saw Glynda holding a gun on them, "Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! We're down range!" Ren took the gun from her.

"I was going to spend the rest of my night assembling the Borje," Glynda stepped next to them, "But this is holding my interest.

Jaune looked at her with a shocked face, "I told you we're going with the Urvaj, not the Borje. Get it through your head or get out of fuck town."

"Shit," was all Glynda's response, "that's all the pieces in the house."

"Nah," Jaune held out his hand, "Come on. Let's go. Cough it up." Glynda put her foot up, "Up, up, up," she revealed an ankle holster, "Up, up, up." Jaune tilted his head trying to get a better view.

"Fuck you," she handed him the gun.

Jaune lifted his pink duffle bag over his shoulder and shook Ren's hand.

"Jaune," Ren nodded, "I'd go with you, but I don't want to."

Jaune grabbed another bag and stopped right before Glynda, "Listen, Glyn, if I never see you again I want you to know I love you very much and there's about one hundred and sixteen kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck." With that note, Jaune left them.

"Wanna get fucked up?" Ren asked.

............8............

There was an elevator on the side of an old carrier that was currently being put back together. But for the moment it was being used as a base for Adam and his crew. Blake was trying to speak but the duct tape on her mouth prevented it.

"Put her down over here," Adam pointed to a staircase, Cinder zip-tied her, "Go on then." Cinder yanked off the tape.

"Thanks, dickless," Blake looked at Adam, "And I mean you."

"Wow," Adam chuckled, "You're a talker too, you and Jaune."

"I've been trying to tell you assholes, my old boyfriend is dead."

"See," Adam agreed, "I thought that too, but he keeps just coming back. Like a cockroach but uglier," Blake was surprised, and Adam knelt next to her, "Now I may not feel but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block."

Jaune was about to knock on the door when Ruby in a grey tank top opened the door first.

"Ripley from Alien 3!" Jaune gasped.

"Fuck you're old," Ruby sighed.

"HA! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls."

"you guys going for a bite? Early bird special?"

"Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that YOU let go? He's got my girl and you're going to help me get her back."

"Jaune?" Ironwood yelled from within the Academy, "Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me, DeadJaune!" Jaune yelled, "And I got an offer you can't refuse! I'm gonna wait out here, big place, it's funny how I only see two people."

"And that is why," Jaune was loading his guns, "In my opinion the movie Cocoon is pure pornography."

"Who brought the Twinkly man?" Gwen the cab driver asked.

"Twinkly, but deadly," Jaune explained, "My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I said I would consider joining his boy band."

"It's not boy band," Ironwood snapped.

"Sure, it's not," Jaune shrugged, "So, any luck winning Dew back?"

"I tried to hold on tight Mr. Jaune," Gwen sighed, "But Octavia is craftier and prettier than me."

"Well, I think you're pretty darn cute," the cab hit a bump and a screaming was heard, "Gwen, what was that?"

Gwen smacked his lips, "That was Octavia in the trunk."

"Who?" Ironwood asked.

"My romantic rival Octavia," Gwen explained, "She's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing exactly what you said DJ. I going to gut her like a tandoori fish, and then dump her carcass on Dew's doorstep."

Jaune looked back at Ironwood who was glaring at him, "I DID NOT TELL HER TO DO THAT! ABSOLUTELY NOT! IT GOT LOST IN TRANSLATION! GWEN, THIS IS NO WAY TO WIN DEW'S HEART BACK! I'm so proud of you! DROP OCTAVIA OFF, SAFE AND GENTLE LIKE. Kill her. AND THEN WIN DEW BACK THE OLD FASHION WAY WITH YOUR: GIRLISH CHARM. Kidnap her."

"She's so dead," Ruby rolled her eyes.

Gwen pulled over, "I presume a crisp high-five?"

"For you?" Jaune held up both hands, "Ten. Ok, guys let's get out there and make a difference! You know what to do." Jaune dragged his finger across his throat.

"Knock 'em dead Jauney Boy!" Gwen yelled.

"Time to make the chimi-fucking-changas," Jaune rubbed his hands together, Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Epic slow motion shot of the three of them walking side by side while DMX's - X Gon' Give It to Ya played in the background. They walked in perfect sync until Ruby looked behind Jaune.

"Hey," she stopped him, "Where's your duffle bag?"

He turned around and called Gwen. Here's why you don't use your phone and drive. Gwen dropped her phone and while she was reaching for it a garbage truck pulled in front of her and she slammed on the breaks. So, did the car behind her, and Octavia did not stop screaming when the car hit them.

While the phone was ringing, Jaune tried to stick his finger in Ruby's ear.

"Leave a message and have a happy day!" was the voicemail's greeting.

"GODDAMN IT!" Jaune hung up, "I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way, with two swords and maximum effort. Cue the music."

The song resumed, and the trio kept walking. Once they reached the carrier soldiers came out of every crevasse and all pointed their guns at them.

"JAUNE ARC!" Adam screamed from the top of the carrier, "WHAT'S MY NAME?!"

"Oh, I'ma fucking spell it out for you," Jaune whispered to himself.

Cinder came up to Adam's side, "Go get some." Adam smiled.

"Superhero landing," Jaune tapped Ruby and Ironwood's shoulders, "She's gonna do a superhero landing!"

Cinder jumped off the edge and landed on one knee with her fist in the ground.

"Superhero landing!" Jaune clapped, "Those are really hard on your knees. Totally impractical but they all do it."

"You're a lovely lady but I'm saving myself for Adam," Ironwood stepped up, "That's why I brought him."

"I prefer not to hit a lady," Ironwood pulled out some handcuffs. With one punch Cinder launched Ironwood across the scrapyard.

Jaune watched him groan, "I mean, that's why I brought her?"

Ruby held up her finger while she was on her phone in the other hand.

"Oh," Jaune shrugged, "No, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... just give us a second. There you go, hashtag it."

Rose peddles surrounded Ruby as she charged at Cinder. Once she tackled her, the peddles exploded and Cinder went flying into a shipping crate. Jaune covered his eyes until the explosion subsided.

"I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex," Jaune shuddered at the thought.

"Alright then," Cinder nodded, "FIRE!" and her soldiers did just that.

Jaune rushed forward and tackled Ruby behind cover. Ironwood was bullet proof, so he strolled forward, grabbed a nearby tire and threw it into the shooters on the high ground.

"FINISH FUCKING HER THE FUCK UP!" Jaune ordered.

"Language please," Ironwood scolded as he kept walking.

"SUCK A COCK!" Jaune yelled as Ironwood was tackled. He kept punching her even as she drove him through a mountain of metal. Ironwood turned her around and put her in a headlock. Cinder jumped up and used the momentum to throw Ironwood in front of her. She tried to attack him, but he rolled out of the way. He tried to punch, but Cinder grabbed his fist, twisted his arm and punched him in the chest.

Jaune and Ruby were still behind cover under fire.

"Look away child," Jaune told her, "LOOK AWAY!" Jaune screamed in agony as he ripped off his underwear. He tied it to a stick and waved it like a flag, "WAIT!"

"CEASE FIRE!" One of them yelled, and the firing stopped.

"Hey!" Jaune stuck his head out, "You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart. So, I'ma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms in exchange for preferential bordering on gentle, possibly even lover-like treatment." The firing resumed, and he ducked behind cover, "Fine. Commando!"

Jaune jumped over the barrier with a sword and he cut off one man's leg. The next man he cut half way through his midsection, knelt, and threw his knife into one man's eye. He jumped on a nearby car, onto the shipping container and decapitated one standing there. While the head was in the air he kicked it to one guy on the ground.

Ironwood punched Cinder into a nearby metal wall. She fell onto the ground and quickly got back up when Ironwood marched toward her. He swung, she ducked under his fist and punched him, kicked inside his knee and drove his face into a pile of scrap. Ironwood recovered and swung but she dodged again and used his momentum to flip him. She swung but Ironwood dodged and while her back was turned he punched her in the back and she flew into a nearby car.

With both swords in hand Jaune cut down more of Adam's soldiers. He cut the hand off one, stabbed another in the shoulder, and while his sword was tuck he turned around kicked a man in the knee and slit his throat. He kicked the guy off his sword and continued to go. Ruby was behind a van she looked in the side mirror and saw three guys on the other side. Her body was wrapped in rose peddles and the explosion pushed the van into the wall crushing them.

Ironwood has Cinder by the throat and he slammed her into the ground. He punched her while she was down, he tried again but cinder wrapped her legs around his arm and put her feet in his face. Ironwood couldn't get free, so, he lifted his arm and bashed Cinder into a car twice and threw her off onto the ground. He grabbed her neck and threw her into another pile of scrap.

Jaune jumped off the container he was standing on, "Teabag!" he laughed as his crotch landed on the woman's face. He rolled off, kicked the gun out of her hand, and was about to cut her head off when he stopped, "Coco?"

"Jaune?" Coco pulled down her mask.

"Oh, my god, I haven't seen you since..."

"Patch,"

"TGI,"

"Fridays," they both finished each other's sentence.

"Well, what the hell?" Jaune put away his swords, "Come here you," he pulled her up and headbutted her. "How are the kids? Good. And Velvet? She still making that tuna casserole? So good! But bad for the waistline, if you know what I'm talking about." Jaune picked up her feet and dragged her away.

Ironwood marched over to the pile he threw Cinder in. He tore off and found Cinder.

"WHOA!" Ironwood held up his hands covering his face, "Your..." he pointed at her chest, "On the left. You are a beautiful woman."

"Thanks!" Cinder fixed her clothes, "You are so sweet!" once her breast was back in he punched Ironwood right in the crotch and sent him flying away screaming.

"Yoohoo!" Jaune yelled calling Adam to the side of the ship. He looked down and saw his name spelled out with the bodies of the men Jaune had killed. One of the bodies had its pants pulled down so it was mooning Adam.

"Does he write you notes too?" Adam asked Blake as his soldiers lined up beside him, "He's such a romantic."

"Don't worry baby I'm coming," Jaune looked up at them.

Blake tried to punch Adam, but he grabbed her wrist and dragged her away, "FIRE!"

Jaune ran away to avoid the hail of bullets. He looked around for a way up there.

"HEY!" Ruby yelled she pointed to a broken plane wing she was under, "CLIMB ON!" Jaune nodded and ran over to her. He jumped on a car, flipped in the air, and landed on the broken wing. Ruby charged an explosion and launched Jaune into the air where his trademarked high-pitched girly screamed echoed.

The wing conveniently hit the three men shooting at him, and when it came back down it crushed two of them. Jaune pulled himself over the edge and saw Adam standing next to Blake in a very familiar chamber.

"Motherfucker should've worn his brown pants," Jaune limped over, "You were right, beautiful. Red really is my color."

"Jaune?" Blake gasped.

"Don't worry baby, I'm gonna get you out of that shit box!" Jaune declared.

"What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours?" Adam asked.

"Oh, you never left," Jaune shook his head.

"But you did asshole!" Blake yelled.

"Deep breath darling," Adam advised as he turned on the machine, "Oh wait, wrong choice of words." He walked away as she started gagging.

"I hope they blocked every last nerve ending in your whole body! Cause I'ma go looking!" Jaune declared.

"I hear you grow back body parts now," Adam grabbed two axes, "When I'm finished, parts will have to grow back you."

"Good one," Jaune nodded, "Yeah, that was a good one. Let's dance, and by dance, I mean: "Let's try to kill each other."

Adam attacked first and Jaune blocked his attacks while using the fight to turn around. Adam headbutted Jaune, and he jumped kicked Adam. Jaune backflipped and threw his sword into the glass allowing Blake to breathe. Adam attacked while Jaune had his back turned, he wasn't as effective with one sword. Adam lodged the spiked end of his axe in Jaune back and dragged him into a shipping container. Adam swung for his head but Jaune punched and kicked himself free. He stabbed Adam in the leg pinning him to the container, Adam kicked Jaune with his free leg into another one. Using his axes, he broke the handle off the sword and pulled his leg free. He threw one of his axes but Jaune caught it and threw it back. Adam deleted it, Jaune flipped in the air and kicked Adam into some barrels.

Cinder walked over Ironwood laying in the dirt, she wrapped a piece of rebar around his neck, and pressed his neck with her foot. Blake used the sword in the container to break the restraints holding her.

"Fine," Adam tossed the debris off him, "Fists."

"Sounds like your last Saturday night," Jaune joked as they engaged in a fist fight. Jaune tried to flip kick him again but Adam caught his leg and pulled Jaune's knife. Adam then threw Jaune through a crate and into a forklift. As Jaune tried to get up, Adam came running in with a knee to the face, and stabbed Jaune with his own blade. Using the knife to keep him in place, Adam began punching him mercilessly.

Blake pushed the sword out of the container and freed herself. Not wasting any time, she grabbed the sword and stabbed Adam in the back forcing him off Jaune.

A little more than disoriented Jaune saw Blake as heavenly music was playing. Cartoon characters were dancing around her? Jaune waved at all of them. Jaune made a little heart with his hands and more cartoon characters appeared. Then he made a hole with one hand and inserted his other finger.

"Asshole!" Blake yelled as the cartoon characters began melting.

Adam picked up Blake and threw her away from them. Jaune stood up and the music began to distort. He quickly removed the knife still in his head and the music returned to normal.

Ruby watched Cinder choke Ironwood. She charged an explosion sending her into the air. While in mid-air she charged another one and detonated it when she landed right on top of Cinder. The resulting explosion caused the carrier to tilt. Jaune and Adam tried to fight each other but they kept losing their balance, until a container knocked Adam off the ship.

"Hang in there, baby!" Jaune ran for Blake.

"Jaune!" Blake held out her hand.

"Gotcha!" Jaune grabbed her hand.

"I got a plan," Jaune watched the suffocating chamber roll toward them, "You're not going to like it." He grabbed the chamber and threw Blake inside. Only the chamber was caught on something and Jaune was sent dangling over the edge.

"Don't worry!" Jaune yelled, "Totally on top of this!"

As the structure weakened Ironwood was seen running with Ruby over his shoulder and Cinder under his arm. Jaune looked behind Blake and saw another container sliding toward them.

"MAXIUM EFFORT!" Jaune yelled as he pulled the chamber off the ship as it finally collapsed, and the screen went black.

Ironwood lifted the concrete covering Blake's chamber. Ruby went into the hole and opened it. Blake was confused seeing them, but she thanked them anyway. Once she was out of the hole Ironwood dropped the slab of concrete.

"Yoohoo!" Jaune yelled from the top of the ship, "That was so awesome!" Adam tackled him from behind.

They began rolling down the mountain of scrap and landed next to each other. Jaune was quick to get on top of Adam and begin to attack him. Adam tried to defend but Jaune broke both of his arms.

"There are no words!" Jaune gasped, "Me and you are headed to fix this butterface."

"What?" Adam started laughing, "You stupid fucking idiot. Did you really think there was a cure for that?"

"What?" Jaune tilted his head.

"You heard me," Adam nodded.

"No, NO!" Jaune yelled but Adam kept laughing, "So, you mean to say after all of this, you can't fix me?"

"It sounds even stupider when you say it," Adam taunted.

"Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?" Jaune pulled a gun, "Any last words?"

"What's my name?" Adam put his forehead to the barrel.

"Who fucking cares?" Jaune chambered a bullet.

"JAUNE!" Ironwood stopped him, "Four or five moments."

"I'm sorry?" Jaune looked around.

"Four or five moments, that's all it takes."

"To?"

"Be a hero," Ironwood explained, "Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend, spare an enemy. In these moments everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we..."

Jaune pulled the trigger.

"Why?!" Ironwood began throwing up.

"You were droning on," Jaune stated, "sure I may be stuck looking like a pepperoni flatbread, but at least fuckface won't heal from that. If wearing superhero tights means sparing psychopaths, then maybe I wasn't meant to wear them. Not everyone monitors a hall like you."

"Just promise," Ironwood pointed at him.

"Yeah, yeah," Jaune waved him off, "I'll be on the look out for the next four moments." Jaune looked back at Blake, "Oh, shit. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, about to stand in front of a girl about to tell her... WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO TELL HER?"

"Well," Ironwood smirked, "You'd better figure it out."

"I can't even tell you," Blake punched him, "I deserve that." Punch, "That too," she was about to kick him when he covered his junk, "No, no, no maybe not the nethers."

"Start talking!" she demanded.

"I'm sorry," Jaune answered, "I'm so sorry. For everything, I'm sorry for leaving, I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. It's been a rough couple of years."

"ROUGH?!" Blake screamed.

"I live in a crack house," Jaune explained, "With a family of twelve. Every night we spoon for warmth. Everybody fights for Noelle, she's the fattest. There's nothing we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms."

"So, you live in a house?" Blake asked.

Jaune stepped up to her, "I should've found you sooner. But, baby, the guy under this mask isn't the same one you remember."

"You mean this mask?" Jaune flinched when she reached for his mask. When she tried a second time he held still. She pulled off the mask revealing a cut out of people magazine stapled to his face.

"And this one," Jaune nodded, "In case the other fell off." Blake began to fiddle with the staples, "Like a band-aid, just give it a." she yanked out the bottom one. "Owdie five-thousand. Wait," he stopped her before she reached the top one, "Are you sure?"

She nodded, "I'm sure."

She pulled off the mask and stared at him, "Wow." She was silent for a moment and Jaune looked away from her, "Hey," she pulled the bottom staple out of his chin, "After a brief adjustment period, and a bunch of drinks. It's a face I'd be happy to sit on." She held up her pinky.

Jaune wrapped hers with his, "I'm not the same under the suit either. No. super-penis."

"Come on Jaune, language," Ironwood crossed his arms, "Young one is present."

"What are you still doing here? Get out of here. Go make yourselves useful! You go be a big brother to someone. Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. And you Red Hood, nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990. Sorry."

"That's alright," Ruby nodded, "You're cool."

Jaune gasped, "What in the ass? That was not mean! I am so proud of you!"

"We will make a hero out of you yet Jaune," Ironwood and Ruby began walking away.

"You know for a second there it felt like we were three mini-rabbit bots coming together to make one super-rabbit bot!" Jaune turned back to Blake, "And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for."

"Come here," Blake pulled him into a kiss she stopped when she heard music. She burst into laughter when Jaune held up his phone.

"Wham!" Jaune nodded, "As promised."

See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now let's wrap up this long ass story with the only joke that's appropriate, pull out. That's gonna be the only thing pulling out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Jauney Boy singing: I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you!

Jaune stepped out of the bathroom with a robe over his suit, "What are you still doing here? We're done, Go on, you think we're going to do a preview with Overhaul in a little leather number, we don't have that kind of budget." he stepped into the bathroom and stepped back out again. "Oh we are going to do Deadpool 2 and we're gonna have Kachan as Cable. Blonde hair, robot arm all that. See you soon. Shakashaka".


End file.
